What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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