She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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