I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
