My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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