The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
