Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
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if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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