If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
