Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
