eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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