Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
