I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
