i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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