Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
