my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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