well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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