Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
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Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
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I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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