i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
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You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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