I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
