The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
