I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
