Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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