broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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