how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
