just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
