You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
