Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Randomize
