Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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