Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
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My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
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Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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