I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
