Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
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