Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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