Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
