yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
