Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize