where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
