I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
