When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
