people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
