Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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