Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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