happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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