i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
