you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
