i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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