my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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