What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
