It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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