I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
