He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
