im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
