dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Randomize
