Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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