Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
