I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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