Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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