i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
