I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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