I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
