Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
