Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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